My fear

It is going to be three years since my Johnnie passed, before the passing of my Johnnie I was taking medications for depression but since his passing my doctor has increased my antidepressants and anxiety pills to the maximum dosage with the hope that it will help me have some peace. I have also been taking therapy and finally, I joined two chat groups online for Mothers who have lost a child.  In that chat, I am surrounded by females now I call my sisters.  We don’t share the same blood but we all share the same pain; the loss of a child. We understand each other pain.

 Every day I wake up with the hope that I will not feel this pain in my heart. I wake up with the fear that my Johnnie will be forgotten, in my head, I can hear him saying “Mami please don’t forget me”. My head is a can of spaghetti so many things go through my head. I have failed to give my other two children the love and attention they deserve, but I can’t control my emotions.  I had three children and I never thought that the number three would become number two. I hope they find in their hearts to understand that I have not stopped loving them nor that I loved their brother more than them, It’s that I am broken, my heart aches every single day. My sister who has become a widow, I hope she can understand that I truly wish from the bottom of my heart that I could give her emotional support but I  can’t because I can’t even help myself. I feel lost and I can’t find my way back. I am drowning.

Around two months ago I was watching John Wick, my Johnnie used to love that movie.  Every time he would watch a movie that he thought was good we would talk about it. Sometimes he would call me when he was on the John and tell me “Mami you got to watch this movie” and I would, then I would call him and we would become critics of the movie.  After I saw the last chapter of John Wick I found myself looking for his number on my phone to call him and talk about the movie.  I looked at my phone in my hand I became full of rage, and pain in my heart I wanted to scream Johnnie where are you? Come back, please. So I did what I always do when I feel desperate, I locked myself in the bathroom and shower to cry my eyes out.

Until the day I exhale my last breath of air I will always tell the world “I had a son called Johnnie”.